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Friday, September 16, 2011

A Step By Step Guide to Annoying Your Teenage Daughter:

A Step By Step Guide To Annoying Your Teenage Daughter:
By: Christine McFarlane

First…. You require a daughter, preferably your own and not someone else’s. After all you could  get murdered by the other girl’s over zealous protective aunt.

She must be going through a case of raging hormones, moments of flightiness and attitude problems. The kind where if she says another “OH WHATEVER” to you when you ask her to clean up after herself, you want to take your hands and wring her bloody neck.

Second.. she must have lots of friends who come over on a regular basis. There’s nothing like annoying your daughter amongst friends. After all, you believe it builds character. 

You will play Stomping Tom Connor music and yodel right along with him in an off key voice, while your daughter tries to yell over the music


Third…. When your daughter least expects it, like when she is on the phone with her latest crush, you decide to yell

You’re out of deodrant and you need a new box of tampons”

I mean why not announce it to the world that your daughter has become a woman. It happened to you!

Fourth…When your daughter is about to leave with her friends, make sure you fawn over her, wipe that stray piece of hair that you see covering her mouth, or take your finger, spit on it, and wipe that dirt mark you see on her cheek., or better yet say

“Dear, do you want me to clean your eyeglasses with my magic cloth, I don’t want you to not be able to see where you are walking, you could trip and hurt yourself.”

Fifth…. This is the fifth and final step. Tell your daughter you’ll bring her shopping and as you’re in the car, roll down all the windows, and blare your daughter’s music. Promise her you won’t sing but then as the rap music comes on yell

M. to the O. to the M. and say “what does that spell?”
And then tell her

“This music is sick”

(this is a stab at writing a comedic piece)

1 comment:

holman said...

Hi Christine,

You've cut the aorta with this one. This is hilarious! I'd like to read more.

Take care,